Do you ever have trouble explaining things out loud? Sometimes I think I should carry around printed copies of whatever I want to say. This morning I went to MOPS at my church. When they asked for prayer requests, I attempted to say I was having a hard time leaving my daughter to go to work this week. I tried to say it really bothered me when she crawled for the first time and I was at work. But I couldn’t. I started crying and could barely speak through the tears. And THAT really bothered me. I wanted to explain! I wanted to go into detail, say I love my job and don’t think I really want to be at home full-time, but that I’d like to work less. That, even though I do want to work one or two days a week, I wish I never had to miss any milestones. That I know crawling for the first time isn’t that important in the grand scheme of things and I’m sure I’ll get over it. But I couldn’t. And it was very annoying.
It was also confusing. I thought I WAS over the crawling thing. When I think about it, it doesn’t really bother me anymore. When I wrote about it yesterday, it didn’t affect me. But whenever I try to explain it to someone, I start crying. So hard I can barely say the words. Am I in denial? Am I “burying my feelings”? When I think about it and conclude I’m over it, I’m not consciously trying to convince myself I should be over it. I honestly think I am. But I must not be. Huh.