I have no title.

I don’t like being a working parent. Monday through Wendesday we just try to get by. Thursday I work a half day, then Thursday afternoon and Friday I bust my butt running errands, doing laundry, washing dishes… There just aren’t enough hours in the day. We’re all cranky and exhausted and snapping at each other.

I don’t like being in my home. The kitchen is always a disaster, there’s laundry everywhere, and the toys are never picked up. I’m always either frantically rushing around trying to restore order, yelling at the kids for interrupting me while I’m cleaning, or sitting on the couch so paralyzed by the mess I don’t even know where to start. And you know what the worst part is? I can’t even calm my own baby. I realized for the past two weeks I’ve been trying to soothe him the way he used to like and it hasn’t worked at all. I don’t know if he doesn’t like it because I’m not here to do it anymore or not, but it doesn’t matter. What does matter is if I was here I’d know what the NEW way is.

I don’t enjoy any of the things I used to. Laundry is one of my favorite things, but now it feels like a huge burden. I actually like loading and unloading the dishwasher (I know), but I don’t anymore. I couldn’t care less about my favorite TV shows coming back for the fall. I can’t get into books. Even reading blogs feels like a joyless time suck.

What also pisses me off is people are going to read this and say ‘postpartum depression’ and that makes me want to SCREAM. I have no idea what role hormones play in this but I’m pretty certain if I quit my job it would go away. I was really, really happy on maternity leave, sleepless nights and all. Now I feel completely overwhelmed.

BUT, quitting my job scares the hell out of me, especially because I LIKE my job. I’m not miserable when I’m at work. I just don’t have enough time for both work and home stuff and if I have to choose, I choose staying home over, for example, continuing to work and hiring a cleaning service. But what if I’d just have to get through an awful…what? Six months? Year? then everything would start working again? What if I give up a job I like when I don’t really have to? I do WANT to, though. I’m just scared about the future. I can’t think of anything scarier than going back to work after staying home for a few years. Right now I just feel stuck.

Comments

  1. Ugh. I hear you. I am not currently working outside of the home, but I did have days and weeks feeling like that. I won’t go straight to PPD, because maybe you’re right, but I’d keep monitoring it to make sure that these feelings don’t get worse.

    What would be the chance of you getting your job back after 6 months or so? Would it be possible to talk it over with your employer? You might want to at least consider your options.

    And if not, maybe the cleaning service would be helpful. Because then at least when you’re home you wouldn’t have to worry so much about the cleaning and you could spend that time with the kids which would probably help a lot. Just a thought.

    Hugs, though. Because I totally get it.

  2. What you are doing is hard. You have two kids and you are doing home stuff AND work stuff because they are home with you on your days off. Having that one day for myself each week with Anna off at school has been such a blessing for me. It’s keeping me sane for realsies. Also cleaning service is a godsend. I don’t know what I’d do. I don’t really do any housework besides picking up. Good luck with your thoughts. I say what the hell – try quitting because then you will know. Maybe if you do it the right way your job would take you back if you wanted to come back later?

  3. You just wrote exactly what has been on my mind since I went back to work 3 weeks ago. Maternity leave was great for me and I hate being back at work. We need my income so I can’t quit. My office is 45 minutes from my house so I spend a good 12 hours away from home by the end of the day. Half day Fridays help but not enough to give me the sanity to get through the whole week. Plus I am exhausted to boot. I just wish there was an easy solution to all of it. Like magically winning the lottery although I would never buy a ticket!

  4. Oh my friend, I hear you loud and clear. I don’t have any words of wisdom because I know I’ll be right where you are now in a few months. It’s just hard, really hard. I hope the right answer shows itself to you soon.

  5. Yikes, good luck! I struggle with finding a balance all of the time too, but have a sneaking suspicion that going back to work after this maternity leave will be kind of nice. The kids both got shots yesterday (2 month and 2 year appointments at the same time) and the screaming made me want to jam a fork in my ear.

    I hope you find whatever balance works best for you and your family!

  6. I feel this, too. I also like my job, but find that it’s just so, so hard to do it and my family life properly. I hate feeling like everything is getting short shrift.