Hormones

I had it all worked out. When Meg was around 7 months, my breastmilk supply inexplicably dropped and I spent two months killing myself trying to get it back. Those were probably the darkest months of my life. Nothing I did worked. My supply continued to drop and when she turned 9 months old I finally quit trying. Just mixing that first bottle of formula gave me so much relief I vowed to NEVER DO THAT AGAIN (the attempted supply-boosting thing, I mean, not the formula mixing).

So it would be easy! If I had supply problems after the six month mark with Paul, I’d just let it taper off. No pumping for 45 minutes at a time! No using ounces pumped to measure my self worth! How hard can it be to do nothing? Certainly not harder than doing EVERYTHING, right?

Well, maybe. Last time I thought: I have a problem, but there’s got to be something I can do about it. Pumping for hours was grueling, but I had focus. I was working on it. I had hopes things would get better. This time there’s nothing to do. The supply-boosting stuff didn’t work last time anyway, so why try? All I have to do is wait it out as my supply drops a couple ounces a week and pull out the tub of formula I so thoughtfully bought for myself soon after Paul was born as a reminder to not let supply problems get to me again.

I thought putting all my efforts into something and failing day-in, day-out was why I’d been so miserable. It didn’t occur to me it was the weaning hormones themselves. Which is why they’ve once again blindsided me. My supply dropped again, right at the 7 month mark, seemingly overnight, and for no apparent reason. This time I feel even worse, if that’s possible.

I’ve spent the last few weeks wondering if I should tweet/blog about my new theory: if you’re of childbearing age, you’re completely fucked. (Pardon the language.) Having children has ruined my life. But if I couldn’t have children, the not having them would ALSO have ruined my life. Ergo, fucked.*

I finally figured out today that was the hormones talking. Perhaps my life is not permanently ruined! Things might…get better! Soon-ish, even. TOTAL BREAKTHROUGH.

But…what do I do in the meantime? How long do I have to hold out? He’ll be 9 months next week and I don’t see things improving that quickly. Should I just wean completely? I don’t think Mr. I’m Still on a Bottle Strike (did I not mention that here?) will go for that.

Last time I woke up one morning and everything was better. I just want to know when that will be.

*Apparently a bit of depression brings out the ‘why bother not swearing on the blog?’ in me. First f-bombs ever!

Comments

  1. You are so bang on; stupid, stupid hormones.

    With me, it’s exhaustion. When I weaned Teddy, I was 4.5 months pregnant with Veronica, just back to work and pooped all of the time. I just chalked it up to pregnancy.

    But Veronica’s almost 19 months and is FINALLY nursing less and sleeping through the night more regularly, and I feel like I’ve only been this tired when I’m in my 1st trimester. I am EXHAUSTED. I kept thinking “I am not sure if I’ll EVER feel rested again.” And it hit me on Thursday that it might just be these hormones.

    Most timely post ever. Seriously.

    Anyway, I said this on Twitter, but Ask Moxie’s archives have a whole bunch of stuff on supplements to help with postpartum depression; stuff with Omega 3’s, etc. It’s worth a look. That reminds me to go take some Salmon Oil pills right now.

    Also — it’s awesome that you’re starting to cloth diaper. I’ve noticed the prices going up/sizing going down on packs of disposables and it’s maddening. Cloth has been such a great thing for us, so I hope that you like it.

  2. Yes, yes, yes. The same thing happened to me when I weaned Noah at 8 months and it hit me like a Mack truck. It took me about 3 months to feel “normal” again. We’re going through some personal crap right now and I already told my husband there is no way in hell I am weaning Chloe anytime soon. I just cannot deal with all this PLUS the weaning hormone drop. It would propel me to the nearest bridge.